sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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