The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
