can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
