miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
