I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
