i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
