Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
