Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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