I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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