I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize