Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
