The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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