Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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