I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just had sex bonerless
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
