So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
