phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
