I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
