so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
