I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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