so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
