I want to make a zoo with you.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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