Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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