oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
