"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
