You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
