I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
