After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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