My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
