I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
