How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
