I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize