Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
