I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
