I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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