Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
