I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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