just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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