also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
