I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
