Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
