i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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