I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
