Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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