That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
