oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
