Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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