So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
