I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
