She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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