Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
She said her name was "party"
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
