Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
