Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
