i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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