I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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