you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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