What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My penis needs a shock collar
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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